The BBC (unwittingly) Discovers The Answer To Declining Marine Life!

It's not often that the answer to a worrying environmental problem can be found on the same news page but, today, the BBC News website managed it without even realising it had.

At the top of the page its editors featured this:

A deeply disturbing story on the decline of the world's marine life, for which global warming seems to be the main suspect.

Just below, on the same page, came this:



Well, if I lived in the oceans and saw this bunch heading for my habitat, I would pretend to be extinct too!!

Mind you.....if it wasn't for global warming then.......!

MPs Just Clowning Around!

I was playing around with an idea of comparing the antics of parliament with a circus, when I came upon a website called clown-names.com

I just couldn’t resist the temptation to feed the following names into the clown name generator to see who their clown alter egos would be:

• David Cameron = Baron Noogstein
• Nick Clegg = Sir Blink
• Ed Miliband = Miss Hoggins
• Ed Balls = Doctor Tulipa

Suddenly, the images I carry in my head, of those normally dreary faces, have taken on a new dimension.

Everyone loves a clown.............

Try it for yourself!

Dreaming Of A Tough Life In California While Facing The Reality That Is The UK!

Spare a thought for those living in the US state of California who are complaining that a gallon of fuel for their vehicles has risen to the ridiculous price of three dollars (£1.79 in our currency).

While I was shelling out my £1.22 per litre (£5.44 per gallon) in my local Asda this morning, I was wondering how they get to suffer such hardship, while enduring such a great climate too.

I guess the main difference is they do not have a greedy government, who not only place a high percentage of tax on the fuel but also impose a tax on top of the tax!

As for the sunshine.....well I guess we don’t have enough to impose a tax on that quite yet!

If you are reading this Mr Osborne.......forget it!!

Think Yourself Fit - Avoid The Cold

 

It’s almost that time of year again when everyone around seems to be staring at you through watery eyes or coughing and sneezing in your face.

For some, it is a time of sharing while for those bathed in sneeze particles, it is complete annoyance.

However, a new study of over 1,000 people, claims that those who partake in regular exercise are less likely to suffer from the common cold than those who do not.

My first reaction to such claims is always that it is a concerted campaign, deliberately started, to convince us all we should buy ill fitting lycra, join expensive health clubs and suffer the humiliation of being entertainment to the bored fitness ‘gods’ and ‘goddesses’ who can then justify their own massive club fees, by the amount of laughs they are able to generate at our expense.

Personally I am not going to fall for it. I don’t want to look like a caricature of an oversized penis squeezed into an undersized condom.

Any surplus ‘unfit’ bits I might be carrying are going to continue being hidden under my normal everyday clothing and remain as far as I can keep them, away from the torture chamber that is a gymnasium.

Fortunately, though, the study revealed a useful finding that could be my saving grace: it is not just the reality of how fit you are but the perception of how fit you are. If you think you are fit, the severity of any symptoms of a cold can fall by up to 41 percent.

Just by taking a small amount of exercise and thinking you are fitter than you are, can boost your immune system and ward off the worst of the effects of a cold.

With that thought in mind, I am convincing myself I am a world class marathon runner and am going to saunter back into the kitchen and get myself another bacon sarnie.

Aaaaaaarrrchooooo!!……..Bless me!!

It really does seem to work!

He's A Liar Liar

Whether you agree or not, a lot of work must have gone into this!

Try singing along....

How To Demonstrate EU Style!

With a high probability we will be seeing mass demonstrations against the cuts announced in our coalition government's spending review, I thought it would be interesting to compare our technique with our European neighbours:

How we demonstrate here in the UK

How they demonstrate in France

How they show their displeasure in Germany

All things considered, I think it advisable to wait on the weather forecast before we follow their lead!

World Statistics Day

Today is United Nations World Statistics Day and to enter into the spirit of things, our own Office For National Statistics has released the following information about the average Briton:

The ‘average’ British woman is 40 years and seven months old and has 42 years left to live. If she works full time, she works 34 hours a week, earns £22,151 a year, and is educated up to GCSE A*-C level. If she lives in England or Wales, she will have 1.96 children during her lifetime. If she lives in England, she is 161.6cm tall and weighs 70.2kg


The ‘average’ British man is 38 years and 4 months old and has 41 years left to live. If he works full time, he works 39 hours per week and earns £28,270 a year. He is educated up to A-Level standard. If he lives in England, he is 175.3cm tall and weighs 83.6kg


When a British family goes shopping, the five items most likely to be put in the typical weekly grocery shopping basket are a two-pint carton of semi-skimmed milk, pre-packed sliced ham, unsweetened breakfast cereal, bacon and a bar of milk chocolate

It will be interesting to see how the average Briton today, will compare to the average Briton in five years time.

Let's hope it is not out of work, out of hope and out of food!

Leading Labour Into The 'Brotherhood'

Tomorrow, we will finally learn who is to be the new leader of the Labour Party. One things seems certain: whoever it is will have the surname Miliband.

Yes folks, Labour’s Miliband family roadshow has finally parked up, after a leadership campaign lasting longer than the average series of the X Factor. Unlike in that series, however, the contestants in this competition have not been even slightly entertaining.

Who after all will remember there were other auditionees taking part? I know there was a man called Balls and a tokenistic woman called Abbott. There was also another man whose name I can’t remember, but who spoke even bigger balls than the man who had earned that name in the first place!

The only time I saw all of them together, on an edition of BBC’s Question Time......I fell asleep!

It is seeming very likely that younger brother Ed will pip his older and arguably more politically experienced sibling to the throne. I have no doubt that brother David will quickly recover from both his disappointment and bruised ego and quickly accept a senior position in the shadow cabinet, where he will spend his time plotting to destabilise the new regime - much as he did with his previous leaders.

It seems in our new modern age of politics, the only choice for the floating voter is no choice.

No wonder the, as yet, unformed Apathetic Party is likely to become the fastest growing political party of them all!!

Vince Cable Is Doing The Right Business!

Yesterday’s speech, (full text here) by veteran politician Vince Cable, at the Liberal Democrat Conference in Liverpool, has been derided by many as being an attack on the very heart of British business, the banks and the basic freedoms of capitalism. ‘How dare he attack the very organisations he is supposed to be promoting in his role as business secretary in the coalition government?’ they have bleated loudly.

Well of course, journalists love nothing more than to cherry pick the juiciest words from a much broader message so they can get an easy headline, on this occasion, shocking readers with hints of Marxism etc. However, if you read the full transcript of the speech, the message could not have been further from the truth.

Mr Cable has never pulled his punches when giving his personal view of the state of the nation. Whether you like him, or not, he has become a refreshing change to the groomed and polished walking ‘soundbites’ that are our younger, over produced politicians.

What he has done in his speech, though, is outline the very things that have been going wrong in our society over the last couple of decades and spell out the harsh reality we are all going to be facing.

He has not attacked capitalism as a concept but has highlighted the abuse of the system by a growing number of greedy and arrogant individuals; free markets are a good thing but not when they are manipulated and abused to such an extent the chosen few dominate the majority.

He has not attacked the banks in any other way than they deserve to be attacked. No-one can deny their responsibility for the financial mess we are all experiencing and bankers should not be able to walk away and carry on as if nothing had ever happened. The rest of us have invested our hard earned tax billions saving their swaggering skins. It is plainly wrong when small businesses (the engine room of any recovery) should be starved of funding because of ridiculously high charges while the base rate is still at an all time low - there can be no acceptable excuses for the banks’ profiteering ways.

Students should not be leaving universities with the wrong degrees combined with an overwhelming student debt when our industry is crying out for the very best but cannot find them because our education system has been so dumbed down. We need the right kind of graduates for the growth and innovation that our industries require. We should not need to import that expertise from other countries.

After the public debates preceding May’s election, I had high hopes for the Lib Dems as a credible party of opposition. Once the coalition had been formed with the Tories, I found I had disappointment and doubts.

My belief in Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg’s arguments and motives started to fade, as like many others, I began to despair at what was increasingly looking like a sell out of sensible social policies just to gain a taste of power. That view didn’t change after Mr Clegg’s speech at the weekend attacking tax avoiders and benefits cheats - headline grabbing rhetoric with very little substance.

Just as I thought all had been lost, along comes good old Vince, looking more like an eccentric school teacher than a designer made politician.

The man spoke the truth, upset just about everyone, made me laugh and above all shared totally understandable, plain clear sense.

I think Nick Clegg must be envious of what was probably Vince’s best line of all:

“I must be doing something right”

Well, you certainly restored some hope in me!

Conservative's David Cameron - Suicide or Murder?

Results from several studies of the sleeping habits of over 1.5m people, released by Sleep journal, show that those getting less than six hours sleep a night are at serious risk of a premature death.

David Cameron is said to have been campaigning through the night in an attempt to claim every available floating voter he can find before tomorrow's election.

Could this mean he is committing political suicide? Or, is he guilty of attempted murder in trying to keep us all awake?

The jury is still out!

The Man With Two Faces!

In an operation lasting 24hrs and taking a team of 30 medical staff, a Spanish man has been given a new face in a Barcelona hospital.

Having lost his original features in an accident, he has now been given a complete new face including teeth, nose, cheekbones and skin.

I refrain from imagining what will happen in the event he gets a fit of sneezing, but it has now effectively buried the old 'put down' line "You can't be two faced or you wouldn't wear that one all the time"

Yet another nail goes into the coffin of cheap gags!

Not Very Sweet To Sir Alan Sugar!

My favourite quote of today, was heard during a seminar at the Kent 2020 Vision business event in Maidstone this afternoon.

During a seminar on being an entrepreneur, ex The Apprentice contestant, Paula Jones, described her stoney faced television 'boss' Sir Alan Sugar by saying:

"He's quite offensive but indescriminately so"

I was not quite sure whether it was a compliment or an insult but it made me laugh anyway!

The Most Entertaining Manifesto So Far - It Rocks!

At the start of week three of the election campaigning (has it really only been two weeks so far?) there is a risk we are all becoming a little jaded.

Here is one party who's campaigns never fail to cheer me up:



I bet you'll be humming, or whistling the tune all day, although somehow I don't think we'll be seeing the Monster Raving Loony Party interviewed by Paxman on Newsnight!

Katie Price Wedding Draws 'Gasp' Of Boredom!

According to the website of ITN, the latest wedding of Katie Price (aka Jordan) which took place in Las Vegas yesterday "drew gasps throughout the nation".

Really?

The only thing close to a gasp that I could hear, was a collective yawn of boredom and the odd wheeze from an asthmatic.

Somehow, I doubt there will be many anniversaries!

Richard Madeley On Saddam And Blair!

If I was Tony Blair I would be seriously worried tonight.

TV presenter, Richard Madeley, who is the 'Dick' of the legendary TV partnership of Richard and Judy has felt the need to make a short film for BBC's Daily Politics show in defence of our previous prime minister.

I am not sure which shocks me the most: TB needing to be defended by RM or RM becoming an authority on the legalities of war.

It has to be said, that as a political analyst, Richard makes a very good television presenter.

Watch for yourself here and weep!

Could it soon be "Arise Sir Dick"?

Blair And Iraq - All In One Picture!

Having spent today following the reports of Tony Blair's historic grilling, yesterday, at the Chilcot inquiry into the Iraq War, I was really not sure what impression I was left with.

Then, I saw the above picture in The London Daily News and it seemed to sum it all up perfectly!!

New 'Foolproof' Airline Security On Test!

Don't laugh......It could well catch on!"

Surprise Surprise...It Is Winter And It Is Snowing!!

If you were watching the TV news this evening you would think we were approaching the end of the world.

Shock horror....it has been snowing!

The white stuff has already caused chaos in Northern parts of the country and now there is more panic as it is heads to the capital and into the South East over the next few hours.

Hello...newsflash.... it is winter and this sort of thing happens at this particular time of year!

I grant you that people have short memories and the last few winters have been fairly mild but the snow that has fallen this year is no more than in the average winters I remember from my past.

People living in other countries, where snow is a regular part of their lives, must roll on the floor and wet themselves laughing at how such a small amount of adverse weather can cause such chaos here in the UK.

Lets be positive: kids are getting more time off school to play, workers have a believable excuse for not getting into their workplace and the best bit of all....we do not have to listen to the empty election promises of our political leaders while the cold front takes over the headlines.

See?......it isn't all bad!!

Weird But.....Works For Me!

I don't have a clue what this has to do with the drink Orangina but after a week of depressing news it made me smile.

Probably, because I can imagine the outrage from the PC police if it were ever to be shown during the ad breaks of the UK's TV channels!